Peppermint Bark and some other stuff

My life has been full of work, work, work, and trying to get into the Christmas spirit. I think with enough 98.5FM blaring out of my car speakers and a lot of holiday baking, I just might reach Christmas euphoria a little early this year. Christmas euphoria is that delightful time of year when my brain stops functioning and I say things like "Well, isn't this just lovely?" and "How delightful!" and "Who ate the last mother effing piece of turkey?"

I wanted to mention the product that has been getting me through my wintery dermatological slump (this year and past.) If you are like me and have skin with a water activity of the Sahara desert even in the middle of summer, I recommend old-fashioned grandma's worst kept secret Pond's Cold Cream. Slather it on in the shower, remove with a clean wash cloth, and voila! Nice, smooth, moisturized skin. Even my cousin who lives in the coldest place I have ever been (Nebraska) uses it to fight off wind burn. (As a side note, the second coldest place I've ever been was Toronto, and it has nothing on the winds whipping o'er the plains.)

I also finally broke down and bought a coffee maker. It's a Festivus miracle! Britton's uncle gave us a brick of Brazilian coffee by Cafe do Ponto he grabbed after a flight to South America. IT IS ORGASMIC. Very clean roasted, no funky tastes. Just amazing black coffee.

Unfortunately, it was already ground, so our reliable french press was useless. Luckily, the fates saw fit to allow me to win a raffle at work for an $18 crock pot which I promptly returned at Wal-Mart for a full refund. There I placed my hands on a Mr. Coffee programmable coffee maker. I know that talking about a coffee maker for so long may seem a little ridiculous. People give away their old coffee makers left and right. But I've never owned a coffee maker, and it sure feels good.

Okay, now the important stuff. This is perhaps the easiest peasiest recipe I've ever posted. The combination of peppermint and chocolate is very Christmas-y, and just happens to be my favorite flavor duo.

To make peppermint bark, you'll need just a few things.

2 bags of white chocolate chips

1 package candy canes

1 teaspoon peppermint extract

I doubled the recipe. Don't look at me like that.

Thanks to my little sister, I've realized working with melted chocolate can be an epic disaster. AND DON'T PUT CHOCOLATE TO MELT IN A MICROWAVE. Seriously. Just stay away from the radiation. You'll have to use a double boiler or some other contraption. I don't have a double boiler and in fact, I have no idea what one looks like. I just guessed that it would look something like one pot of boiling water with another smaller pot on top.

Yeah. Something like that. I used a wooden spoon to brace the small pot since my pots are nonstick and don't take kindly to scraping and scratching. You want the water to come to a calm boil. Don't let it go nuts down there. As you melt the white chocolate chips, you'll need to continuously stir until it is nice and smooth.

Next, place your unwrapped candy canes into a gallon size plastic bag. Place a towel underneath the plastic bag and a towel on top for cushioning. (You don't want to crack those stain-collecting builder's grade laminate counter tops, now do you?)

Grab an unopened wine bottle, or if like me, you can't cook something without a beverage, then grab a rolling pin or other pounding-worthy device. Wail away. You are going to get some chunks that just won't crush. That's okay. It's all part of the master plan. Drink the kool-aid and you'll see what I mean.

Add the crushed candy canes to the molten chocolate mixture. You'll also want to add a teaspoon of peppermint extract for every two bags of white chocolate you used.

Spread evenly over a pan lined with parchment paper. Allow to cool in the refrigerator for at least 2 hours.

When the chocolate is completely firm, break into chunks by whatever means necessary. I used brute strength and a wooden spatula.

This stuff is rich. Allow your boyfriend to have a couple pieces, but then immediately place the rest in adorable Christmas tins or goody bags and ship them off to your friends so they will be all fat and when you see them you can say hey, lay off the peppermint bark, you crazy beyotch. Just kidding. But in moderation people or all your teeth will fall out...maybe.

Happy Holidays!